Tim: I love my Karen and, like most thoroughly besotted men, I’d do anything for my beloved. Karen has a Bucket List. I am her Fulfillment Coordinator. That makes Karen’s Bucket List my de facto Bucket List.
Karen’s Bucket List includes “Complete a triathlon.”
Now, I am loathe to judge others and especially my one and only, but if I had a Bucket List, the word “triathlon” would not appear. My Bucket List would have things like “Pub Crawl in every European capital” and “Be a judge for a bikini contest." But alas, I have no Bucket List.
So we signed up together for the euphemistically named Reston Sprint Triathlon. 15 weeks from today, 799 stridently earnest individuals and me will be swimming 400 meters, biking 12.4 miles, and then running 3.1 miles. We have to complete this in less than two hours. (What happens if you are still on the course when the time bell rings? They didn’t say, but I imagine some form of public humiliation is involved.)
I am not exactly splitting semantic hairs when I, on the record, do hereby vigorously object to the gross misuse of the word “sprint” in this triathlon’s title. There will be no sprinting. Any distance described by miles makes any American think “car” and “drive." I recommend using “death march." This blog will chronicle our efforts to train for and survive the Reston Death March Triathlon on June 3.
Karen: Fifteen weeks until Triathlon Day. The Excel spread sheet to track calories consumed/burned and repetitions of exercises is up and running. The bar charts graphing my increasing speed, strength and endurance are trending upwards. I've been to the gym for at least an hour every day (5 a.m. on weekdays, 8 a.m. on weekends) since I started training.
All is going according to my plan.
I am so totally going to do this.
Tim: So that's where you disappear to every morning at 5 a.m.
Karen: Or so you believe.
Tim: I thought you were driving out to some organic farm in the country to get me freshly laid eggs for my morning omelet.
Karen: There's no reason you can't continue to believe that.
Tim: Is Microsoft sponsoring your half of the blog? I noticed the prominent product placement of Excel.
Karen: Yes, along with Under Armour, MyFitnessPal.com and Clairol, purveyors of fine products for the stylish female triathlete on the go.
Tim: Auctioning your patronage and endorsement to the highest bidder? What's my cut?
Karen: You get a buff girl in your house.
Tim: Do you get hired to attend parties and gallery openings too?
Karen: What about YOUR training this week? How do you feel about it?
Tim: I went for a walk yesterday. I’ve also done a fair amount of carb loading. Actually, I’ve been carb loading for 35 years, so yes, I feel I'm right on track.
Karen: I am more worried about the swimming than the other bits.
Tim: I’m also more worried about the swimming, mostly because I am not going to train for it at all. Zero pool time.
Karen: Huh. That’s an interesting strategy. How hard can it be, right?
Tim: I'm just going to let instinct take over. That and my deep fear of drowning should get me through to the finish. There will be lifeguards, right? Can I use water wings?
Karen: I would be more worried that you'll annoy whomever comes behind you in the pool. Depending on how competitive they are, they may hold you under just to get you out of the way.
But perhaps I’m just projecting.
Disclaimer: We are not medical professionals or fitness experts. Read this blog at your own risk. See a doctor to make sure you are healthy enough for triathlon activity. If your triathlon activity lasts more than four hours, seek medical and psychological help immediately as this may indicate a more serious condition.