Law Enforcement To-Do List

Since you've been doing so well, I was wondering...

Dear Authorities,

I have been meaning to write for some time but I only got around to doing it just today.  Firstly, I wanted to congratulate you all on finding both Osama bin Laden and Whitey Bulger in the span of barely over six weeks.  That's very impressive.  I can't even find Waldo in every picture and he wears the same striped shirt and stocking cap in each shot. 

Secondly, I wanted to ask you guys a favor.  Now that you've had these two big successes in a row, I was wondering if you might have some free time to come to Reston and find a few things I'm having trouble locating.  I'll totally pay for your gas and I'll even buy lunch.  If you do a really good job, I will even spring for dessert fromand .  It can be a sort of performance bonus.

So, how about it, guys?  I'm not particular about who you send in to help.  Seal Team Six?  FBI?  MacGruff the crime dog?  I'm happy with whoever can get the job done. 

1.  I don't know if you're familiar with the Reston legend about the theft of a large quantity of alcohol from the .  Anyway, the criminal is said to have escaped across Lake Thoreau in a boat which then capsized and sank.  It's the equivalent of the Loch Ness Monster story combined with the legend of finding gold at the end of a rainbow except it's Jose Cuervo Gold.

I was wondering if you people might be interested in helping to find this thief if you can and also find that sunken boat.  Most importanly, I want you to find the tequila.  It is summer and these margaritas won't be making themselves.

2.  With regard to another mission of mine, I cannot find all the double-digit sized clothing at .  There is nothing available beyond an eight and there's more than a theoretical possibility that I might have a personal interest in this quest. 

Can you help me determine where these items might be?  This task might be especially difficult for you because you may be looking for something which has never existed.  The pants I tried on there last weekend made the store's name seem a little too descriptive of my rear end in those jeans.

3.  There are rumors of some bears wandering around Reston.  The reports indicate that these potential picnic-basket snatchers are hanging out near and on the trails.  Please put your efforts into finding these ursine residents if you can, but mainly I just want to make sure that they're paying their assessments.  It will be bad enough if a bear shows up at one of the Reston pools without there also being an issue as to whether he has a pool pass or not. 

4. Would you also mind helping me locate the grocery store at Tall Oaks Plaza?  There have been fleeting sightings by bewildered residents.  People swear they have seen one, but, by the time they've gone to get a corroborating witness, there's nothing there.  Think of Sasquatch sightings but with a frozen-food section.  It's an ongoing mystery.

So, what do you say, guys?  Are you tough enough to tackle these missions?  I anxiously await your reply.

Best wishes,


Friends of the Reston Regional Library June 27, 2011 at 01:25 PM
That theft by canoe is no legend. It really happened ... a classic tale it is, too!


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