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A Note to the Reston Association From Some Vienna Residents

The animals at the Reston Zoo are asking for a few days off.

Dear Reston Association,

Most of us have lived here for a while.  We're familiar with the soupy, swampy season you call summer.  We are the animals of the .

Personally, as a bison, I've got it a bit tougher than most on account of my hairdo, but I'm one of the more rugged members of the bovine family, and I appreciate the fact that nobody has tried to shoot an arrow into my ample rump ever since I got to Vienna.  Most years I'm okay with my summer job and I like the neighborhood.

But I've got to be honest with you guys.  Today has been a little rough for me.  It's like the planet has decided to grill me in my own skin.  I'm not sure what a heat index is or what it means to be 110 degrees, but you need to get me and my posse to a cooler spot.

That camel chick used to be kind of pretty for a girl who spits, but her hump is getting all wilted and she keeps moping that it's not the heat but the humidity.  Homegirl will not shut up about how things are so much better in the Sahara.  Somebody needs to get that lady an Evian and a fan.

And you know those lowlife goats that haven't ever turned down a grubby fist of corn?  Well, all of a sudden all they want is cold water.  I have seen each and every one of those devil-looking loudmouths lick food from the hands of kindergarteners who don't even wash after using the potty and now they've got nothing on their minds but clear, cool agua?

Now, I don't expect these folks in the center-hall colonials next door to take us in.  God knows a family does not want to clean up llama and alpaca droppings in the basement home theater.  But maybe you could let us camp out somewhere else in Reston.

Don't you have a vacant supermarket at Tall Oaks that we could use?  Nobody will even know we were there, and those lemurs in the corner know enough math to help you guys calculate a fair market lease rate based on square footage.  

You have to do something for those ring-tailed fellas.  For the past six hours, they've just been moaning and singing, "Marmoset there'll be days like this.  There'll be days like this, marmoset."

Come on, guys, what's a guy gotta do to get a little compassion for a brother?  It is so hot out there that the pot-bellied pigs are starting to smell a little like bacon.  Put us in a school bus and let us soak a little in one of the pools.  It doesn't even have to be .

We'll pay the assessment.  We'll become members.  We'll paint our houses whatever color you tell us.

Just please get us somewhere cooler.

leslie sogandares July 22, 2011 at 10:02 PM
Dear Bison: I hear ya about this heat. My name is Lil' Buddy, and I live in the garage of some nice folks who hail from SoRes (that's Bravo-speak for south Reston). I have a pretty cush job, you see, maintaining the cold beveridges for the family and their friends.Most days, I chill in the cool cover of the garage, but this week has taught me a little something about being taken for granted. I'm sweating buckets in here trying to keep the inside fridge temps to a frosty 48 degrees, just so I can keep those Coronas and the 2-buck Chuck perfectly chilled for my 'rents. I'd love a day off. I'd be thrilled if someone would step into the inner sanctum, declare a heat emergency, and turn a fan on my front side. That's a love you don't get much in a summer of swelt. Call me, or hoof a text when you figure out that pool situation. I'm dying to try a back flip from the board. But leave that hot tub to the margarita machine. She's chill enough to get in these days.
Karen Goff July 22, 2011 at 10:22 PM
Don't listen to Lil' Buddy. He has a chest full of Skinny Cows, which the Bison's wife takes very personally, as well as a belly full of beer. Nothing worse than an arrogant garage appliance, I think.
Richard Holmquist July 23, 2011 at 02:29 AM
Mr. Sogandares - Please relax. We're not talking about just some old buffalo. This is an American bison who can write. One would assume she also has the manners to refrain from leaving any 'deposits' in the Uplands pool.
marion restifo July 25, 2011 at 04:12 PM
i thoroughly enjoyed your piece.
Connie Hartke July 28, 2011 at 05:28 PM
Thanks for the humor on this hot day, Justine!

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